Broken Down Being Isolated Taught Me So Much
After several months of being isolated and alone, I’ve learned so many things. I may not write or use words very well, still…but my art has learned how to speak for itself. The way people have treated me during this Global Pandemic has taught me so much more about myself and shown me everything I needed to know to start fulfilling my destiny.
Breaking Down
Getting to the point is a long story in itself, I’ll be sure to add it to my list of things to write about. Bare with me while I do my best to sum up what’s happened to me as briefly as possible. And I’ll do my best to describe the dark place it has brought me.
Beginning with Getting Beaten
Slowly, but surely, I’ve somehow managed to push every single person in my life out of it. I’ve over thought this several times, pacing several miles trying to figure out if I could fix it. Some people, I understand what I’ve done wrong and I’m very sorry for everything that I have done to them. Other people, I still can’t figure out what their problems are but I’m over it now…
I’ve been called several different names, mostly political, religious and hurtful, but mostly by people that don’t really even know me. I’m appalled by most of it but I can’t control what other people think, so I’ve moved on…
Don’t Bother Calling People Out
From my experience, calling people out in defense of your own feelings only makes things worse. That’s right, it only makes things worse and I think of the, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself,” quote I heard from somewhere I can’t recall at this time.
I’ve asked for help with several things but mostly just for help in general because the most common response that I receive sound like this:
- “We’re all just busy…”
- “We care about you…” or “We love you…”
- “I don’t know how to help you…”
These are probably the most common as of lately, but even then…the last time I’ve had a conversation with practically everyone has been over a month ago now. There’s been a few newer friends that still reach out from time to time but most of them live out in Colorado, where I can’t wait to return too.
Isolation
The last person that I called out for the way they were treating me was near the beginning of this month. And that was pretty much the last time I had a conversation with a close friend. The only other person that I am able to have a conversation with on a daily basis, argues with me everyday and at the time of writing this…I’m throwing in the towel. I can’t continue to love and care about my mother whom won’t listen to anything I say anymore. It’s very unhealthy for both of us so the least that I can do is literally, stop speaking to my mother. It kills me because I live with her and do so much for her without her asking but it will never prove to her how much I will always love her.
Asking for Help Is Daunting
As I mentioned previously, asking for help has not worked out very well. Although, it has in places that I would have never expected which has taught me a few things as well.
I don’t understand how shut down I get when I ask for help from people that know me. Most of them choose to ignore me but that’s ok, they are busy. Yet, not asking for help has shown me that there are strangers out there that still care about humanity. A few people from all over the globe, from Australia to Canada and all of the America’s have donated to my short story that I’ve shared online.
Writing is also daunting but I’ve figured out that this is how I will get better.
Being Alone Is Even Worse
Pushing everyone out of my life after a few years of losing everything else has given me a true sense of being alone. I’ve started painting this series but some days, I can’t even get out of bed. Depression has set in on top of the PTSD from losing a few of my closest loved ones in a short period of time. I’m doing my best to deal with it but it’s hard sometimes, especially when a memory comes to fruition.
It’s crazy to me, now, hearing people say, “If you ever need anything, just let us know.” because I’ve begged for help recently and nobody has truly delivered. People offer suggestions, of things that I’ve already tried. It pisses me off, but I’m working on controlling my anger. This has also taught me several things.
Getting Beaten Breaks Even More
I gotta tap the brakes a bit here to explain why being alone can also be considered “Rock Bottom,” at least to me. Being isolated and alone has taught and shown me several things but it’s also left me completely broke. After asking and begging people for help to pushing everyone out of my life has left me with very little resources to keep pushing on.
Now I understand what it’s like when people get pushed to their limits and I have learned so much from it that I’m still breathing…
Restructuring
A lot of time and over thought has gone into what I needed to do to dig my way out of this tomb. Pushing myself to learn new things have been a blessing in keeping my mind from being stuck in depression. This has also helped me either learn and/or create something new everyday.
Taking Inventory
The first thing I had to do to get over the root of my depression and start digging myself out of this mess was to cut ties with the things that were holding me back. Everything worth focusing on are the things that I am good at and I can’t let anything stand in my way.
It’s my turn to be selfish if nobody wants to listen to what I have to say that might help them. Free help and suggestions can’t be given in a world where people only believe what they see and only see what they want to see.
That’s fine, because focusing on the things I am good at is very fulfilling and usually always fun. It’s helped me learn more about everything that I’m interested in and being passionately addicted to things that interest me has been a helpful drive to learning something new everyday.
Slowing down and breathing has helped me destress and understand my surroundings. Sparking interests in a variety of subjects with nothing but time to dig deeper into how they work and why.
Writing things down has helped improve my memory as well as given me a reference point to a new idea. No matter what it is, it’s data that can be analyzed on a later date but you can call your notebook whatever you like. Mine’s usually a sketchbook, but that’s just me.
Although, even a to-do list can be useful if you know how to use one correctly, if you believe in journaling.
Tracking the Data
Being able to write things down, like; feelings, thoughts, ideas and tasks, has shown me so much. From keeping track of what brings me down has helped me figure out how to focus on doing what I need to do to get back on track. To the nitty gritty, planning and doing it with hopes of getting it done.
I don’t know how many breaks I took from writing this single blog post, but they will decrease as I continue to re-learn how to write.
Thanks for Reading
I’m not expecting many of you to have read this far or even read this at all. But if you have taken the time to get this far, I do greatly appreciate it. I want to help anyone that I may and I love sharing cool things that I figure out and/or create.
I look forward to writing more, it’s just one of the tasks on my list to making my life better.
